Worth

I have thought a lot about worthiness in the last few days.  I have done a lot of self-evaluation this year. I thought this time in Australia would be a whirlwind of fun times and silly games and although it has been that I have also done some pretty deep soul-searching on who I am and what is truly important.  It's amazing how deep and wide the blinders get when all you do is work for three years of medical school and five years of residency.  There are pockets in those eight years where I did things outside of medicine but it was like I stopped to tread water for a moment and then was back to my laps, work never far from my mind and the exam that decides my life always at the end of the deep dark tunnel.  This year I'm sitting on the edge of the pool, taking some deep breaths and realizing how many laps I want to do and what else I'd like to do while I'm on this earth.  There's more to that but I'm digressing from my thoughts of worthiness.

Basically I have realized that these years of intense education have shaped me into defining my life and my sense of worth by how smart I am and how good I am at my job.  That is where my worth lies - I'm a good doctor and a really hard worker.  I was not always this way.  It used to be my worthiness was in how vivacious and edgy I could be but over the years my definition of myself has entwined itself with my profession and they have been monogamous bedfellows ever since.

The importance I put on communication skills as highly valuable traits of worth has been greatly challenged by the gifts of my son.  Communication is not his strong suit.  My mistakes as a mother have largely stemmed from my inability to see his other gifts because I kept staring at the hole where I wanted his skill set to be. Even when he was a baby I was excited for him to talk and the conversations we would have.  Cian had other plans.  His gift to me (one of many) has been to open my eyes to all the other people in the world.  People who don't fit in the small pigeon-hole of academia full of endless communicators.  My academic pursuits increased my knowledge of myocytes and neurons and limited my ability to see the ethereal parts of people. I was always aware of the diversity of gifts of other people but not on this level, not with a mother's heart.  I have been so worried that people wouldn't find him worthy of love because of the elements of life he finds hard that come so easily to other people.  Little did I realize that so many people aren't even looking in that general direction.  That all they see is his infectious wide smile and his unbelievable zest for life and excitement about everything - that those things are just as valued and as worthy as my ability to communicate or operate or care for others.  Knowing that in an academic sense is far different to knowing it as truth and now my eyes are starting to open.  In my weak moments when I fear people won't understand or care about my kid I think of our friend Mike who one day turned to Keith and I and said (in a way only Mike Reid can) "Guys, thanks for having Cian!"

I think of that as I look at my patients with fresh eyes.  My patients who face the day with a toolbox full of tools very different from mine.  Tools that unlock hearts in different ways.  Their challenges teach me every day about the importance of vulnerability.   That life is not an endless series of competitions.  We don't always have to line up in some sort of hierarchical fashion.  That our hearts are bigger than we think they are if we just decided to open them without fear.  These kids are the catalysts of that type of living.  Smiles and laughter have value on their own merits. They aren't gateways to different places - they are destinations of beauty all their own.  The achievements of standing or eye contact or breathing can be as victorious as completing medical school or passing the bar exam or winning an Olympic medal.  The victories the world isn't paying attention to are humbling in their magnitude and I feel myself redefining my worth to include the privilege of witnessing these champions and caring for their bodies as they inspire me with their abundant worth.  Worthy of respect.  Worthy of life.  Worthy of family.  Worthy of love.