A Year

This past week marked a year since my Grandma passed away from ovarian cancer.

To mark that I'm sitting with Keith drinking a vintage release Cabernet Merlot called "Annie's Lane".  It caught my eye on the shelf and it was a little more expensive which she would have thought was a terrible extravagance so I bought it :).  I always enjoyed that feigned exasperation she would send my way when I would be a little over the top - it was always outlined with the smallest hint of a smile and hidden approval.  It was a very charming quality of hers.  

This time last year was so awful it pains me to think about it.  I found out that she passed away the night before flying to Toronto to participate in a gruelling prep course for the dreaded Royal College exams.  I was a mess.  I mostly kept my composure but it was obvious to everyone that I had been through the ringer.  Sometimes when it's obvious a strong person can't seem to stay strong anymore people tend to rally. I walked through Toronto airport with my red puffy face literally surrounded by my Muslim friends in a protective cocoon.  They were all speaking Arabic and my incessant asking "where are we going?" made my friend Khalid fearful that airport security would stop them all as suspicious characters.  Indeed when I looked up from my grief and my blindered focus on the rental car location I realized everyone was staring at the distressed blonde girl surrounded by Saudi Arabians.  They didn't shy away though.  Khalid walked right beside me despite his fears of being labeled as a terrorist and a kidnapper - that's quality friendship.  The rental car place was also very sweet.  The guy behind the counter could see I was upset and was concerned I could not seem to comprehend the more comprehensive insurance plan and that I was going to land in a ditch with the impending snowstorm so he gave me the better insurance for the same price as the cheaper one.  I had called my friend Malika days before I was to arrive in Toronto and even with a small downtown condo and a new baby she opened her home to me, fed me like a good Punjabi mama and listened to my grief.  Truly sometimes vulnerability begets tremendous compassion and that was what I experienced.  

I really just tried to keep my head above water for the next few months.  I managed to do that and pass my Royal College exam and that was a tremendous weight off my shoulders.  But I had expected the weight to evaporate and it was still there.  The gnawing pains of grief had not been adequately fed and they had come to collect.  I tried to bury myself in work.  I worked at every chance I could in the two months between finishing residency and starting fellowship and it kept things at bay.  I told myself the weight would go away when I got that first big paycheque. Then I would finally be able to breathe.  The first paycheque came and it washed away all financial concerns I had about the trip to Australia and...I felt terrible.  I called my dad and sobbed.  It wasn't better.  I wasn't better.  I kept thinking that if I kept shoving my head in the ostrich holes of work and exams and children and travel and other people's crises that I could avoid looking at the ostrich hole with the elephant in it.  

There has been no "aha" moment.  I didn't have one brave day where I defiantly faced grief and conquered it.  It has been a journey of one foot in front of the other.  It has been quiet pockets of remembrance that have turned from heartbreaking to heartwarming like changing leaves on a tree.  There are still times where Keith will turn the corner and I'll be teary in the kitchen concentrating over a recipe she taught me with her lifetime of experience, smells and tastes as palpable reminders of the extraordinary gift of my childhood with her and my childlike loss of her.  It's a work in progress.  

So tonight I raise a glass (or two or three...who's counting really?) to my Grandma.  Thank you for not letting "refugee" define your legacy - for remembering where you came from and how far you'd come from it.  Thank you for treasuring and safeguarding my childhood despite how difficult yours was.  Thank you for everything you taught me about my heritage and giving me strong roots.  Thank you for never telling me that my opinion didn't matter or that my voice was less than because I was a girl and thank you for marrying a man that agreed with you on that.  Thank you for showing me what was important - that a life full of "putting a little love in it" is indeed a life well lived.  

I love you Grandma.  I see you in so many recipes and in how I do so many things and in my daughter's smile so you are never too far from my heart.  Rest well.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”  - Elizabeth Kubler Ross

The Week of Cian

This past week has been an action-packed week of new milestones for our little guy.

On Wednesday Cian turned 5. This birthday has been hard for me because of how all these milestones have been stacked like back-to-back waves of reality that Cian isn't a baby anymore.  I often worry about his speech and how it can be hard to understand him but that seems to pull focus from the fact that he can do so many things and he is growing into such an amazing little person.  Case in point all he really wanted for his birthday was a "snake cake and balloons...that's it".  He is funny and kind and good at lots of things I'm not good at.  It's so interesting to be humbled by your kids accomplishments. Example: he swims like a fish.  He is under the water more of the time than he is on top of it and he can do a front summersault underwater and I have no idea how he learned that.  He teaches me so much all the time and I truly feel blessed to be his mom.

Anyway, Wednesday morning Cian woke up and I had put his presents at his spot at the table and put a birthday banner behind and balloons on his chair.  When he saw it he started jumping up and down and ran upstairs to wake up Keith and Em.  He then passed out his presents so that everyone had something to open (we gave them back for him to open).  He got a bell for his bike from Em and he got all 4 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles which was a HUGE hit.  He knows all their names and that they like pizza and all sorts of other things about them - he loves them.  He opened them right away and they helped him (eventually) eat his Tropic-o's (ie fruit loops).  Keith took the kids to the pool during the day and then after work we had what he wanted for supper.  He had wanted hot dogs and after H-dogs out came the grand finale.  He had been waiting for weeks for his cake.  He had offered to help make it for several days.  The day before his birthday he searched the counter trying to find it.  I felt like there might have been too much hype about this silly snake cake and he would be disappointed.  I didn't have to worry about that.  We lit the sparkler 5 and once it went off (our lighter wasn't working so we had to use the gas stove) and we started singing "Happy Birthday" there were HUGE cheers and yelling "SNAKE CAKE SNAKE CAKE".  There was no loss of enthusiasm from my kid - he was, as always, as enthusiastic as ever.  After the sparkler stopped he said "Thank you" in such a sincere way that it brought tears to my eyes.  That's not the first time it's happened either.  One thing Cian does well is a sincere thank you - it's not a common quality and it's something I admire about him.  Birthday #5 was definitely a success.

On Thursday we met his teacher Elise.  They go by first names here for everything including doctors, teachers and principles which is a bit unnerving for me especially because Cian won't do that when he goes home but I guess "When in Rome...".  They had the parents and kids in groups of 5 and Elise told us about how things would go the following day on their first day of school and how things were organized in class, assessments, etc.  She seems very nice and also serious about the kids doing well and I think she'll be great for Cian.  I've said it before but I'm definitely nervous about him going to school but it's neat to see all the things he learned in preschool last year that he remembers.  Preschool was a really good idea for him.  Even as we waited for the teacher the day before he sat quietly by the door before we went in and he played quietly for the half hour we were all talking to his teacher.  Emily played for a bit and then sat beside me on a little chair and grabbed a pen like she was going to take notes too.  She desperately wants to go to school with Cian so we were also a bit worried how that would go the next day.  Anyway, Cian did very well meeting his teacher and it calmed my nerves a bit to see how well he interacted in the classroom.  Thursday night we got everything ready.  Cian put the "jitter glitter" his teacher had sent him in the mail under his pillow just like she had told him to do.  He didn't really need it though - he was excited.  I needed the jitter glitter.  Keith packed his lunchbox that night and I ironed on the labels onto his clothes and hat.  This is where I had a little nostalgic cryfest but at least the kids were sleeping and I got it out the night before.

Friday was the big day - the first day of school.  Cian was excited to put on his uniform - the navy and gold of Kensington Primary School - and was especially excited about the big floppy hat.  Emily was still convinced she was also going to school but didn't seem to piece it together that she didn't have a uniform.  We explained his lunchbox to him as he gets 2 food breaks so he needed to know how things were packed.  He put on his backpack himself and was raring to go.  He is such a brave little guy - I don't remember being as brave as he is.  We walked up to the school and passed other navy and gold clad children walking with their families, the parents exchanging nervous and proud smiles.  The yard at KPS was filled with excitement as the 4 prep classes met in the gym and the kids put on their name tags and sat on their class mat.  This is the only time Cian got a bit nervous and sat by me (this was my fault though cause I was putting out some pretty nervous vibes I think).  Then Elise came over to him and asked if he wanted to sit by Zach and he was off.  Didn't look back once.  We watched him from a distance as he formed his line-up holding on to the backpack in front of him.  He put his bag on a hook outside his classroom door and ran into the class - excited for the day's events.  Didn't check to see where mommy was - boldly going off on adventure.  So proud.

We went to the parent tea afterward and met a couple of the other parents.  Everyone was very nice and seemed to be keeping it together.  We met another couple with a son a little older than Emily who was sad that his brother was at school and he wasn't.  Emily didn't seem to comprehend that Cian had left and kept saying "Where did Cian go?" which is the best outcome we could have expected.  We talked to that couple for a long time, they were very nice and we had quite a bit in common, until our prep kids came out for a break and then we all had to sneak off the yard.  All in all, the best possible outcome we could have expected.

It was a quiet day with Cian at school.  We got stuff for his party the next day and put Em down for a nap and then it was time to get him.  He was sitting quietly listening to Elise reading a story to the class and was excited when we came to get him.  He had his library bag and was eager to show us all the things inside.  He also wanted to show us the chickens in the yard (again) and play on the playground equipment.  We had to basically drag him home from school.

Saturday was Cian's pirate birthday party at the zoo.  I spent Friday night getting all the food ready and making pirate cupcakes.  It's the first birthday party I've done where I had put some effort into kid activities and I went a little overboard.  I think because things are often hard for Cian I work on overdrive trying to make the good things even better - which I probably don't need to do.  Anyway, hours of cutting out pirate flags and making treasure chests and treasure, etc. There were only going to be 4 kids so that probably contributed to my OCD that I could make everything myself.  The four pirates: Captain Cian, LongJohn Reuben, Boatswain Beth and Swashbuckling Emily all had treasure chests and telescopes in preperation for their zoo treasure hunt.  The day was hot and both kids woke up with colds (they had been brewing over the last couple of days).  They got dressed as their pirate selves and I took the full cooler and cupcakes over to Amy's (my co-fellow and Reuben and Beth's mom) to take in the car.  We then took the train to the zoo and met them at the carousel picnic tables.  Reuben had a full pirate outfit and was very excited to show it off. The kids got their treasure chests and we set off on our treasure hunt.  Off to the seals then to the parrots, the crocodiles and the turtles.  Each stop had a hidden clue, an activity and a treasure.  It was great fun.  Reuben was good at finding the clues and Cian was good at solving them.  The girls are still little so tagged along and liked getting their treasure.  Four treasure stops at a zoo took about an hour and a half so we were ready to eat lunch when we were finished.  We had golden nuggets (chicken nuggets), fish and chips (fish crackers and potato chips in the same bag), cannonballs (watermelon I had balled up and put back in the shell like a ship) and lots of crackers and dip and juice boxes, etc.  The kids seemed to really enjoy it and even Reuben ate his veggies.  We don't spend a lot of time with other kids so I forget that my kids are not picky eaters.  Amy was so surprised that both Cian and Em went straight for fruits and veggies first when she has to bribe her kids to eat that.  I have no idea how it happened that we have good eaters and I really hadn't realized the struggle of getting kids to eat veggies (even though my brother was a picky eater too :D).  The kids then played their hearts out on the playground.  Lots of running around, chase and hide and go seek.  We had our pirate cupcakes and everyone's mouths turned blue but it was still fun.  Then it was time to go home as it was nap time for the little ones.  The day was really good and once Reuben and Beth left we even treated our kids to a ride on the carousel.  There's one in the middle of the zoo from 1880 that's been restored with paintings of all the zoo animals. Emily rode a horse all by herself and Cian rode the elephant.  We took the train home again and settled Em down for a nap.  After nap time Keith went to play in his Magic tournament and Cian asked to watch Cars 2 which we haven't seen in a while and so we had our traditional "Movie and Snacks" with Lightening McQueen and Mater.  It was a great day and a great week celebrating a little guy that has brought so much joy to our lives.

Happy Birthday to our little snakecharmer/pirate/schoolboy.  You are such a blessing.  One of my biggest hopes is that you keep the beautiful sense of joy and adventure that lights up everyone around you.